


If You’re Dead and You Don’t Know It Clap Your Hands

by Sunshine_3



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Extra Character that cannot be revealed because, Fake Character Death, Funny, Gen, Humor, Misunderstandings, Spoilers, Zero Romantic Relationships whatsoever, as we do this for the serotonin, don’t worry this isn’t a serious fic, i don’t write those anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:33:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25965163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunshine_3/pseuds/Sunshine_3
Summary: “Hey Mr. Stark! What’s up? I’m kinda in the middle of lunch, is something-““Oh thank god.” Tony sagged into the chair, running his hand over his face.“Mr. Stark? Are you alright? What’s going on?““Have you seen the news, kid? You’re dead.”Silence on the other line.And then...“I’m WHAT?!”——————It’s just a regular Tuesday in New York, and then Spider-Man turns up on the news. Dead.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter parker & Ned Leeds & Michelle Jones
Comments: 27
Kudos: 780
Collections: Irondad and his Iron kids, The Best Irondad/Spiderson Fics, The Best Peter Parker Whump Fics





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s some more content for you guys! It’s been barely touched in my notes for a while, I finally figured out where to go with the idea yesterday, and I’m so excited to share it. Not gonna lie, this is my favorite work I’ve written so far.
> 
> Also this is barely proofread, so please don’t judge me.

They had been lounging around early on a Tuesday afternoon when Friday alerted them.

“Boss, there’s a report on the news you need see.”

Tony looked up from his tablet, the sudden interruption and solemn note to Friday’s tone putting him on edge. He typed a few commands into his tablet before walking over to the living area where most of the other team members were assembled. 

Natasha had closed her book upon the announcement, sitting up from her position on the couch to make room for Steve as he sat down. Clint and Sam set down their controllers, pausing their round of MarioKart to watch as Tony picked up the remote to switch the channel to the news station.

His stomach dropped, and Tony could barely register the sharp intakes of breath and stiffening postures from the others.

There on the screen was the bold headline “Neighborhood Vigilante Spider-Man Found Dead in Queens”, and above it was a slightly blurry image of a body wearing the Spider mask, laying in an alley and surrounded by a pool of blood.

Tony choked. When had this happened? He stared at the image, trying to force his breathing to stay in a normal pattern. That wasn’t Peter. It _couldn’t_ be Peter. Karen would’ve alerted him if something had happened. Unless the kid had tampered with the suit again...

His chest felt far too tight now.

“-ony? Tony!” 

Steve’s face appeared in his line of vision, which had tunneled to only include the TV screen, where the photo had switched to an interview with a witness or something. Steve took his shoulders and guided him to the couch, face grim. “Tony, I need you to breathe. Alright? Deep breath, just follow my lead. That’s it.”

Once his vision cleared, he glanced around the room. No one else seemed to be doing much better. Clint looked devastated, tears in his eyes. Nat had a hand over her mouth, eyes locked onto the headline, a rare glimpse of emotion for her. Sam was grim, matching the stoic look on Steve’s face.

The rest of the team had only met Peter a couple months ago, but all of them had taken to him instantly. He was Clint’s best friend, Sam’s little brother, and practically Nat and Steve’s son. So this... this was not okay.

Tony shrugged Steve’s hands off his shoulders, giving him a nod in thanks before standing up. “I-“ His voice cracked, and Tony was forced to clear his throat before he could try again. “I’m going to the lab. Track the kid’s suit, or something. That,” he gestured to the screen. “Is not Pete. I know it’s not.”

_I pray it’s not._

Steve gave him a nod in response before falling into the spot Tony had just vacated, putting a hand on Nat’s arm in support. Support for who, Tony wasn’t sure.

He stumbled to the elevator and smashed the button that lead to the floor of his lab. Friday remained silent as the elevator descended.

Upon the opening of the doors, he launched himself into the chair at his workstation, pulling up holograms left and right. “Bring up the suit’s vitals,” he ordered.

“The suit is currently offline.”

Tony cursed under his breath. Either the suit had been severely damaged, or the kid wasn’t wearing it.

The tremble in his hands was noticeable as they were dragged through his hair. “Call his cell.”

“Calling Peter Parker.”

_Please pick up. Please pick up. PLEASE pick up._

The call connected. 

“Hey Mr. Stark! What’s up? I’m kinda in the middle of lunch, is something-“

“Oh thank god.” Tony sagged into the chair, running his hand over his face. Gripping the edge of the workstation, he steadied his once again erratic breath, threat of a panic attack retreating for the moment.

“Mr. Stark? Are you alright? What’s going on? You like, never call me in the middle of the school day, because grades are important blah blah blah, so there’s gotta be something wrong... What happened?” The kid sounded confused, and was beginning to stress.

Tony focused on the feeling of relief flooding him, using the table to steady himself as he spoke. “Have you seen the news, kid? You’re dead.”

Silence on the other line.

And then...

“I’m WHAT?!”

“Dead. Spider-Man was found dead this morning, they blasted it all over the news. Or at least, everyone thinks it’s you, but it’s clearly not, considering you’re currently yelling in my ear.” His attitude came across as annoyed, but that was just the last dredges of panic leaving his system. “The whole team is frozen upstairs, so I decided to do the logical thing and actually check on you.” He paused, waiting for a response.

All he got was a tiny, “What the _fuck_.”

“Kid, listen-“

“No, seriously. What. The. Fuck. I’m not dead. Right?”

Peter voice becomes a bit muffled as he moves the phone away from his face, talking to someone outside the call. “Ned. I need you to be honest with me. Am I a ghost? Did I die? Am I gonna end up on Buzzfeed Unsolved? PLEASE, man. I need answers!”

Tony strains to hear Ned’s response. “Uh, no? You’re not dead? Why? Are you supposed to be?”

A third voice pops up, one Tony is unfamiliar with. “Ned, Peter’s clearly asking a stupid question and your only response is to give him an even stupider answer? I thought I taught you better than this, loser.” There’s a dull thud that sounds like a book hitting something, and Peter’s offended “Ow!” accompanies it. “And you!” The girl continues, “Pull yourself together, Parker. You’re making a scene.”

As entertaining as this now very one sided conversation was, (or was it 3 sided? Eh, semantics.) the mentor was currently more concerned with making sure his mentee was not about to end up like the unfortunate Spidey double on the morning news. 

“Listen kid-“ 

“With all due respect, Mr. Stark, I’m currently having a crisis in the school cafeteria, and as much as I would love to listen, I have no brain cells left for instructions right now.”

Tony doesn’t say anything for a moment, focusing on steadying his breathing so he didn’t lose it over a phone call with a smart ass fifteen year old. 

“Pete. I need you to come to the tower _immediately_ after school is out. No side tracking, no diddle dallying, and absolutely NO SPIDER-MANNING. We don’t know what we’re looking at yet, and I don’t want whatever happened to that unfortunate copy cat on the morning news to happen to you. Capisce?”

“Alright old man, I got it. Tower, after school. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish my pizza in peace please.”

Tony huffed, but didn’t fight. Putting up with the kid’s attitude was far better than putting him in a casket, which is what he had been prepared to do less than ten minutes ago. “Fine. Bye, Underoos.”

He hung up and set the phone down on the table, taking a minute to collect himself. There was a creak as Tony launched himself out of the chair, hurrying up the elevator to inform the currently distraught Avengers team that their child was not, in fact, dead.

—————

Peter set down his phone with a sigh, trading it for the mediocre piece of pepperoni pizza on his plate. 

Ned took this as a sign that he could continue their conversation about Peter’s state of liveliness. “Wait, so what’s happening? Tony Stark said that someone killed you? Peter. Peter. _What_.”

Peter took a bite, nodding. He felt a bit dazed, unsure how to process the absolutely random events of like the past 3 minutes. “Uh, yeah. I guess they found Spider-Man dead this morning, according to the news.” He ran a hand down his face. “Which makes absolutely _zero_ sense because I’m sitting right here. So...”

MJ set down her book, apparently deciding her wisdom was required once again. “Well, if it was on the news, why don’t you just look it up? Maybe there’s a picture or something that’ll help clean up this mess.”

Peter stared at her, a little bit in awe. Honestly, sharing his identity with her had been one of the best moves of his life. She had some great qualities that neither him or Ned possessed, such as common sense.

“MJ, you’re a genius!” Peter picked up his phone again, continuing to eat as he pulled up the local news station website. He clicked on the first article to come up, entitled “Local Queens Vigilante Found Dead this Morning.”

He scrolled through the article, skimming it as he went. The copy cat had been found in an alley on the edge of Queens, nearly in Manhattan. The finder of the body had left the scene to flag down a nearby police cruiser, but by the time they had returned, the body had disappeared, which meant someone must have taken it. Peter tried not to think about how concerning that was. 

Further down the article was a photo, most likely taken by the witness. It was a bit dark, and obviously taken by someone with shaking hands, but you could make out the Spider-Man lenses on the mask, clear as day. The body was laying on some trash bags, partly obscured by the plastic. It was the bottom of the suit however, that puzzled Peter. 

He zoomed in, trying to get a closer look. It didn’t really look like his suit, but then again, maybe it was this person’s own take on his design. He squinted at it, noticing something sticking out of the trash bags, coming from underneath the person’s back. Wait a minute. Was that-

Peter groaned and dropped his phone down on the table, quickly followed by his head. _God damn it._ Not _again._

Ned and MJ looked on, rather concerned. “You good dude?” Ned asked, “Did you figure out what happened? Is it something bad?”

Peter didn’t reply, just sighed heavily before shoving the rest of his pizza in his mouth, followed by his phone into his pocket. “I gotta go. Cover for me in English, I’ll be back by 4th period, don’t worry.”

“Didn’t Mr. Stark tell you to stay here though?” Ned questioned, despite knowing that Peter was terrible at listening to orders.

“Well, yeah, that was because I could’ve been in danger. I’m not. Trust me, alright?”

Ned nodded, not really pleased, but he trusted his friend. MJ didn’t really seem to care, as she was used to this behavior by now.

Peter emptied his tray and slipped out the cafeteria door, grabbing his suit before sneaking out of the school via the roof access door. From there, he made his way to Manhattan.

———————

Roughly ten minutes later, Peter was in front of an apartment door, having changed back into his regular clothes. He was also very annoyed, which translated into his loud and relentless banging on said door.

He only stopped when he heard footsteps on the other side, and the turning of multiple locks before the door opened a crack.

Peter stuck his hand through space, palm out. “Give it.”

There was a half hearted sigh, and the door opened all the way. 

“I’m serious, Wade. Hand it over.”

Deadpool pouted, although Peter knew Wade was completely unsurprised by the demand. “How did you know?”

Peter stepped into the apartment, kicking door closed behind him. He crossed his arms, glaring. “Wade. You got your dead body broadcasted on national television wearing _my_ mask. I was gonna hear about it eventually, even if Mr. Stark hadn’t called me in the middle of lunch having a heart attack.”

Wade snorted, flopping back on his raggedy couch. “Iron-Dad just overreacted Petey. The man is the absolute biggest worry-wort on this planet when it comes to you, and that’s including Red.”

“Wade. _Please._ Mask, now.”

Wade groaned, flopping off the couch before jumping to his feet. “Fine fine, no need to whip out the puppy eyes Baby Boy, I’m getting it.” Wade disappeared into the bedroom, returning again with Peter’s spare Spider suit.  
He tossed it to Peter, who easily caught it, before wandering into the kitchen, whistling.

“You want some pancakes Petey? I was gonna make some anyways, so you might as well considering you’re already here.”

Anger now appeased, Peter thought about it. He was going to miss English already. Might as well eat some of Wade’s absolutely delicious pancakes in the meantime.

He followed Wade into the kitchen, hopping up onto the countertop as Wade tied on a frilly pink apron over the Deadpool suit, now humming merrily instead of whistling. 

“How’d you know where I hid it this time anyway? I purposely put under that rooftop AC unit so you wouldn’t find it.”

Wade just laughed. “I have my ways, Petey-Pie.”

Peter squinted at him. “You followed me again, didn’t you?”

Wade let out a horrified gasp. “Webs, I would never!” The wink that followed this statement quickly confirmed Peter’s suspicions. 

“Damn it Wade, stop doing that!”

Wade screeched. “Language, child! I cannot believe a baby would use such foul words! I’m hurt.”

Peter glared again, before letting the fight drain out of him. He held up his hand, extending it towards Wade. “Pinky promise you won’t do it again?”

Wade turned from flipping the first round of pancakes, face scrunched up in consideration. “Alright,” he agreed. “But only because I love you.” And he leaned over, pressing a quick kiss to the top of Peter’s head through the mask.

Peter, used to Wade’s shenanigans by now, just rolled his eyes, grinning as they locked fingers.

Ten minutes later, Peter left the apartment with a stomach full of pancakes, knowing damn well that Wade was going to steal the suit again. Hopefully next time he would avoid dying in it, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah! Guess you didn’t see that coming! Or maybe you did. I tried to drop hints. 
> 
> Please leave feedback! I love you guys. :)


	2. Bonus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony's reactions once Peter makes it to the Tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally meant to be a one-shot, but I kept thinking about it and decided to add this bonus chapter.
> 
> Also thank you guys for all the kudos? I got over 200 within the first 48 hours of posting the first part, which is absolutely insane, so thank you. Really.
> 
> Edit: I- Y’all really did it again?! I’ve gotten over 1,000 hits and 100 more kudos in just over a day after posting the second part. That’s literally so cool. Thank you.

Roughly four hours after the disastrous events of the morning found Steve Rogers in the kitchen, stress baking.

...Again. 

He really should consider therapy or something. Maybe Sam had councilor friends he could visit.

Just as he was pulling the third tray of triple chip chocolate cookies out of the oven, the elevator dinged and Peter waltzed in.

“Hey Cap! Oh man, what’d you make this time? I could smell chocolate all the way from the 54th floor on the way up.”

Steve set down the tray and pulled off his oven mitts with a warm smile. “Those triple chocolate ones Clint has been pestering me about. There’s a cooled batch on the counter if you want one.”

Peter dropped his bag on the floor and practically sprinted to the kitchen. Upon arrival the kid shoved one cookie in his mouth whole, then piled at least four more into one hand before sliding up onto a vacant spot on the countertop. Steve couldn’t get over how good it was to see the kid alive and safe. When they had seen the news announcement this morning, well… he wasn’t sure what would have happened to the team if Tony hadn’t run breathless from the lab to tell them Peter was alright.

“Hey Peter, about this morning. Do you have any idea what happened with that news report? Hear anything during your patrols lately about someone who’s looking to hurt you?”

Peter swallowed his cookie, waving a hand in dismissal. “Don’t worry about it. It was just an, uh- misunderstanding.” He looked a little bit exasperated while saying this, frowning at the cookie stack in his palm, as if his apparent death was just a regular and annoying occurrence.

Before Steve could inquire as to what a “misunderstanding” was, the elevator doors slid open again and Tony breezed in. “Fri told me Pete was here.”

The boy in question shoved another cookie in his mouth, giving a garbled “Hey Mr. Stark” through the mouthful.

Stark marched into the kitchen and pulled the kid off the counter, wrapping him in a tight hug. “Don’t ever do that again, okay?”

The kid nodded, before squirming out of the hug to prevent the destruction of his cookies. “First of all, I didn’t actually do anything Mr. Stark, ‘cause it really wasn’t my fault. And I was just telling Steve that the whole thing is taken care of, so you don’t even need to worry.”

Tony looked a little alarmed. “What do you mean ‘taken care of’ Underoos?”

Steve wanted to know as well. Peter’s cryptic response earlier really hadn’t been all that enlightening.

The kid just huffed, face scrunching in consideration. “It was just one of my friends being stupid, is all. He’s a dumbass, but it’s ok because he promised not to do it again.”

“Language,” Steve said on reflex. And then paused. “Wait. Again? Wasn’t the copycat found _dead_?"

“Oh,” Peter said, taking a bite of his third cookie. “Wade’s just like that.” 

Steve and Tony stared. 

Peter took a second bite, offering no further explanation.

“And just who is Wade?” Tony asked, voice taking on a dangerous undertone. 

Peter froze, apparently he realizing that he had messed up. “Um…No one! Yep, he’s no one. Just a friend. It’s fine. Really no need to worry, Mr. Stark.” 

Steve thought about it. Why was Peter being so shifty? What was so bad about this “friend” that he was lying to Tony? A friend named Wade who “was just like that” when he got killed and somehow lived again... 

Wait a minute- 

“Wade? As in Wade Wilson?” Steve looked at Peter, who started guiltily and now looked to be two seconds away from bolting. Tony had a dawning look of comprehension on his face, one that Peter seemed to not like the look of. 

“Yeah, so I have a lot homework and everything...” With a thumb pointed over his shoulder, Peter started to slowly back out of the kitchen. “So I’m going to go now-” 

And with that the kid turned and sprinted, Tony following a second behind, yelling “Why the hell do you know Deadpool, kid? You’re friends with _Deadpool_? Peter! Peter, come back here right now or so help me God-” 

__Steve listened to the fading shouts, deciding that Tony had it covered. He would check in later to make sure Peter was still alive after Tony caught him._ _

__

__He turned back to his cookie dough and began to fill another tray._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love baker Steve. And dumb Peter. I just do.


End file.
